why i am worth less.

I was thinking as I was riding in a car over a bridge. I was thinking that I should get out and jump off that bridge.
I’m so bitter at the world, especially…like this.

And I was thinking.
About why I’m worth less than everyone else.

When I’m hanging around with boys; straight boys, gay boys, bisexual boys, whatever, they don’t treat me like the other boys. I’m not attractive to most of them, but they still treat me like an object. Like I’m just a tag-along. They think I’m not worth as much to them because I’m not a ‘real boy.’ And I agree. I can’t take my shirt off, I can’t sleep over, I’m too small to fairly play most sports.

With girls, I can’t relate to them, I can’t understand them, and I avoid them most of the time. They think I should just shut-up and be a normal chick. It’s not like I’m a lesbian. Why go through all that just to date boys? And they don’t get it. I’m not a real girl either, and although I don’t want to be, they respect me less for that.

And if I’m worse less than them, why do they even put up with me?
Why am I here?

My mum has never called me Chase after six months. She says she wants me to know she accepts me, but she doesn’t. Not a ‘he’ or a ‘his’ has been uttered since I asked her to treat me like a boy. And what rubs it in is she often accidentally called my effeminate male best friend ‘she’. Why does the he deserve the gender confusion?

I’m really emotional right now and I hate it.