she and him or I

“she is such a freak.”

Chase — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 01:21:14 +0000

“She is such a freak.” said the preppy girl in the table next to me.
What hurt me the most was the use of the word ‘she.’

why i am worth less.

Chase — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 17:03:33 +0000

I was thinking as I was riding in a car over a bridge. I was thinking that I should get out and jump off that bridge.
I’m so bitter at the world, especially…like this.

And I was thinking.
About why I’m worth less than everyone else.

When I’m hanging around with boys; straight boys, gay boys, bisexual boys, whatever, they don’t treat me like the other boys. I’m not attractive to most of them, but they still treat me like an object. Like I’m just a tag-along. They think I’m not worth as much to them because I’m not a ‘real boy.’ And I agree. I can’t take my shirt off, I can’t sleep over, I’m too small to fairly play most sports.

With girls, I can’t relate to them, I can’t understand them, and I avoid them most of the time. They think I should just shut-up and be a normal chick. It’s not like I’m a lesbian. Why go through all that just to date boys? And they don’t get it. I’m not a real girl either, and although I don’t want to be, they respect me less for that.

And if I’m worse less than them, why do they even put up with me?
Why am I here?

My mum has never called me Chase after six months. She says she wants me to know she accepts me, but she doesn’t. Not a ‘he’ or a ‘his’ has been uttered since I asked her to treat me like a boy. And what rubs it in is she often accidentally called my effeminate male best friend ‘she’. Why does the he deserve the gender confusion?

I’m really emotional right now and I hate it.

summer vacation is almost over; pondering being a boy next year.

Chase — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 16:10:18 +0000

Hello everyone/no one ( because who reads this anyways? )! I haven’t posted in forever and have probably lost a lot of people who might have read. But whatever, I’m not after internet fame.

Well, summer vacation is a month from ending. It was fun, but I know I have to go back to school. For all the time I’ve been in school, about ten years, these same people know me as a girl with a name that I no longer claim to be my own. I want to be known and treated as a boy, although I’m unsure how to go about telling teachers and even worse, kids. With teachers, I kind of have a speech prepared, basically saying that I’d like to be called Chase and referred to as a boy, or as an alternative, ask them to try to avoid pronouns in reference to me. If they have a problem with that, I can always take it up with the administrators. But about my friends or peers, I don’t know. I think I’ll just ask them to call me my chosen name. I’m unsure.
What do you advise?

why haven’t you been, mister?

Chase — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 18:26:05 +0000

I am well.
Distracted by: summer vacation in general, bike rides with my besty, cheeseburgers, video games, social networking sites, cute people, art projects, movies, sex stories, money collecting, gaydar, mall trips, deciding if I want a job, soda, ‘Taboo’, and sleep.
Summer vacation, really.

chase is a boyfriend

Chase — Sat, 23 May 2009 16:12:58 +0000

It’s true.
She’s so lovely…
Well, yeah…On Friday, a girl from my school named Christina, asked me out.
And she’s amazing.
Maybe pictures of her and her big beautiful eyes later on.

(The relationship isn’t gay, but it’s very queer)

q: what’s going on with chase?

Chase — Tue, 19 May 2009 00:44:04 +0000

a: Not much. Seven more school days until summer vacation, which I’m conflicted about. I don’t know what else to talk about. I haven’t known what else to talk about…

Um, I’m going to be attending a Theatre Fine Arts program where I will be constructing and painting sets for the community’s production of ‘Miss Saigon’. I also might be doing an online Summer Pre-College Fine Arts program with Academy of Art University.

But the most important part I saved for for last! My friend Nine is writing a play about me and my transsexualism. He’s an amazing writer. Well, let him tell you about it…

Evening all. Nine here.

Inspired by Chase’s gender transformation, we’ve put our collective heads together and begun work on a play loosely based on his life. The story follows Claire, who feels wrong in a female body and wishes to be male. Overcoming her friends, family and her own fears, she begins her transformation into Clay. After much thought and bashing of skulls against walls a rough synopsis has been hammered out. It’s hush-hush at the moment though, and writing proper won’t start for awhile. Projects due, and whatnot. But it is in the works.

I’m on writing, Chase is on concept art. Working title is She and Him or I, but this is subject to change. If it’s finished in time, with Chase’s permission I plan to submit it to my school’s ArtsFest next year and possibly get it produced. (I go to an arts school, so this is kind of a big deal.) Any ideas, suggestions or hate mails are much appreciated, but a rough draft will probably be produced sometime in the next couple of months.

Here’s a brief brief excerpt. (Well, to be honest it’s the only thing currently written down.)

Julie: Hey, are you all right? *pause.* Do you need help? Do you need someone to talk to? If you want something you have to talk to me. *Pause.* Well… I’m leaving, okay? *Pause.* God loves you. Remember that. *Exits.*

Claire: God loves me. *Pause.* A lot of people want me to believe that God hates people like me. I wonder if she would have said the same thing, if she knew. *Pause.* What’s that supposed to do for me, anyway? God loves me? You might as well say my parents love me, or you love me, or there are children starving in Africa. Is that supposed to make me feel better? It’s like telling me there’s a little bit of good in my life, so I have no right to complain and I should stop whining. Then they expect me to perk up and appreciate what I have. But I can’t. I just feel hollow and selfish. I hate it when people tell me to be happy. I hate it when people tell me my problems aren’t so bad. It’s the feel-good, artificial sweetener alternative to actually caring and helping.

hormones and why i feel i need them. now.

Chase — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 22:36:12 +0000

When I first thought about getting a sex change, I didn’t think I’d really need to do much until I was an adult. It’s not like my parents care enough to talk about it, let alone send me to a therapist. I tried not to plan on anything until I was out of the house.

But I feel like I need T so bad. I’ve seen so many pictures of people on it. I look at Bio-Boys everyday and long to have that body; for a second for a day, for ever. My hips are getting wider with each passing day. And my chest is getting harder to ignore. I need it! I just need it. From what I’ve read, completing puberty just has so many irreversible things.

I could get hormones, as you probably know, IF I saw a therapist for a while, but my parents don’t even consider it when I’ve asked them about it.
The reason I’m posting is because you see, I can…I could acquire hormones illegally. I have a friend who knows a guy, who could get me T.

But, from what I’ve also read…it’s very unsafe to take it from the street.
And yet I long for it.
I don’t know what to do.
Which is why I’m posting.

Opinions? You know more than me.

normal problems for ftm people(?)

Chase — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 01:57:04 +0000

I’ve noticed a few problems that I have in common with other ftm people and possibly might be common:

-The whole bathroom thing
-Being called Pinocchio ( as in, “I want to be a real boy!” )
-Passing, but looking almost three years younger than your actual age

—-

Yeah, I’m making music video using a song by Bim. If you don’t know who Bim is, I looked them up on myspace. Really amazing band. Listen to them.
Anyways, I’ve been doing well.
Other than a few things that I don’t think I’ll mention, but still.

Talking about gender study/politics is a great way to come out.

Anyways. Let me see…
I’ll post the video in a few days.

encourage gender norm violations!

Chase — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 22:49:58 +0000

I just finished Kate Bornstein’s book “Gender Outlaw”.
It was amazing. I’ll probably write about it later.
Ms. Bornstein is an amazing writer. I want to get a hold of some of hir other books, but I’d have to order them from the internet because the library system lacks transgender resources. I think I’ll get around to it when I have money again.
Anyways.
After reading this book, it kinda changed my views on a lot of things.
I was inspired to encourage people who don’t act like the standard male and female cut-outs. So I made a list of people I knew who defy gender norm, and went out into the world to tell them how awesome they are. I made a loose script, so that I didn’t leave anything out:

As you may or may not know, I am transgendered. As part of my coming out slash being true to myself, I organized a list of people who defied gender norms. I’m glad to say, you were on it. I think you are really amazing because you don’t conform to societies standards and gender roles. I love that you have the freedom to express yourself, and being around you makes me feel a lot more comfortable with my own gender and personal identity.

And then I would move in for a hug.
It was lovely. I made a lot of people smile, including myself.
The straight people on my list got extra praise, since it’s difficult for them to defy gender norms.
My friend Hector once said that he thought that being openly gay is liberating, since society expects you to defy gender norms.

It was really fun and a kinda good way to come out, because people who defy gender norms are obviously going to be more accepting to trans people.
I encourage you to do this for yourself, if you’d like to.

Edit: By such, I don’t mean to force people to violate these norms. I am saying that people who actively do so deserve encouragement.

i’m doing a project

Chase — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 11:17:40 +0000

You may have noticed that I have two explanations for transgendered people listed in my page. Well, that is going to expand.
You see, I’m going to ask many people to explain what and who transgendered people are. If their response is long enough, I’ll post it on a separate page.

This may be just my friends, or this may included internet-strangers. This may include you. Contact me somehow if you are interested.

Check up later.